Friday, December 16, 2005

Zombie FSB

Ok this blog is officially DEAD!

This was a crappy experimental first blog for school. Now that the class is done, I'm done.

The funny thing is, blogging got kinda fun for a little bit there. So, with the death of this blog comes the birth of a new one.


This blog is going to be a million times better. No criteria and no schedule. I can post whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want.

So check it out.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Zombie Haiku

I'm alive again.
Why do I crave human brains?
Hi man with shotgun.

Now that I have your attention, the class in which this blog was assigned is nearing it's close. As of Dec. 14th I will be liberated from the "for this assignment you are required to write 3 blog posts a week" format.

Being an incredibly lazy person, this lack of structure will cause post to either become much less frequent, or end all together. Just in case of the latter, I would like to mourn the death of Funk Sheet Beach. "NOOOOOOOOO".

Ok. The mourning is over. Possibly, like a pheonix or a zombie, Funk Sheet Beach will rise from the dead and reek havoc once again.

And now for something entertaining. My roomate got a girlfriend. To put an image in your head, imagine the most socially awkward person you can think of, cover him in acne, and make him vaguely creepy, and you have him. The funny thing is, his GF is really hot. So she has been coming over every night to make out with him for hours on end with the lights off. By the time she's over, I'm already blitzed out of my skull, so I just sit at my computer, put on headphones and play Half Life 2 or FEAR.

His romantic style is rather ripe for parody, however. For example, I hear the obvious noises of people making out, but then my roomate stops and starts to recite the quadratic formula in a faux seductive voice. At this point, I had to chime in. "Um... sorry to ruin the mood, but... did you just say the quadratic formula while making out?"

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Captain Awesome and The Awesome Squad

I originally wanted to make a blog where I would tell funny stories, but it quickly turned into me just wining like a little bitch. Because I hate that and it isn't interesting to read, I have decided to completely switch focus to fictional stories and rants. Enjoy the new Funk Sheet Beach.

I just had this great idea for a comic/cartoon. and I had to write it down before I forgot. It's basically a super hero comic, except that all the heroes are ridiculous. Well... you'll see for yourself.

Teapot-Bee Man: A college student that, during a drinking game, punched himself so hard in the head that his fist fused to his skull. The doctors were unable to remove it, so a mad biology professor made his other hand a spout and filled him with bees (because it made sense at the time). So he became Teapot-Bee Man with the power to pur bees on people!

Captain Monocle Face: A former Monopoly spokesman who slipped on that tiny little metal shoe piece and fell into a fat of acid. When he emerged his head had become a giant monocle. He had become Captain Monocle Face with the power to put his monocle head in front of the enemy and it's the wrong perscription so it makes everything really blurry and they get a headache after a while.

Lady Zooclaw: A puppeteer preforming for metal patients, when a barrel of toxic waste fell from a hot air balloon and hit her on the head. The concussion gave her the ability to get the powers of the animal finger puppets on her hand. The strength of a moose, the speed of a cheetah, the flight of a bird, the poop of a monkey, and the bamboo diet of a panda.

And Ducto De Aluminio: A stereotypical Mexican immigrant who was working on some pipes when an alien came and shot him with a Super Ray. The ray reacted with the pipes and the mui caliente taco sauce in his veins and he became the pipe armed, burrito shooting hero, Ducto De Aluminio!

And together they form... Captain Awesome and The Awesome Squad, a super hero team the likes of which has never been seen!

So their first mission is they have to stop a bank robbery and let's just say "Too bad that none of their powers involved surviving a shotgun blast to the face. That would have been very useful at the moment". So they die, but it's ok, because they come back as zombies!

Long live... or unlive... Captain Awesome Zombie and The Awesome Zomble Squad!

Monday, November 21, 2005

God Dammit. Wright Gets Sad Again.

Dammit. Just when things were becoming silly and upbeat it goes downhill, yet again. I began my week surprisingly upbeat because I was going home. My home environment has never been positive which sucks, but I was just really glad to get a break from classes, school related stress, and the like.

After I opened up the door to my house, what I witnessed can only be described as utter chaos. It seriously looked like a hurricane hit. It turns out that when I left, the level of violence in my house rose. It has always been very violent, but never destructive (to the property).

My friends weren't much better. All of my friends (to be fair I only really have like 4) quit college and live on my friend's boat. They haven't practiced any hygine at all. They all smell horrible and have really fucked up afros, even my white friends. They all gained about 50 pounds and become completely asexual. It seems since I left, all they do is sit on the boat and smoke pot all day, every day, only leaving to get food or to buy/sell pot. It is incredibly sad to see people reduced to this state, esspecially when they all are really talented. I guess drugs really are bad.

I don't want to see my friend again. I just can't stand they're new life style. I know that I will eventually have to see them again, because I left some DVD's on his boat. Maybe then I'll also have an intervention.

Though it's kind of a backhanded compliment, but my family and friends all went to hell when I left. I guess that makes me kinda like the moral glue that keeps everything from turning to shit. Could that be my purpose in life? To stop things from going to shit? Maybe I should have that intervention...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The One Where Wright Is Happy Again.

I really have to apologize for the last... many... posts. The college semester is nearing it's end, so the workload is huge and there is a ton of stress. I sadly gave into the pressure and become very depressed, but good news, I'm happy again! I handed in the last of my papers (for now) and vacation is very close, so happy time!

I hate putting my clothes in drawers. I can never find the t-shirt I'm looking for the next day. I put it on top, but then the laundry fairies come in the middle of the night and mess with my stuff and suddenly it's somewhere obscure like in the middle of the drawer or down in the cellar, with a flashlight, in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of the Leopard". A grilled cheese sandwich was involved in some way also.

Speaking of grilled cheese sandwiches, they are frickin delicious! Definitely the best food ever invented. If you disagree, just leave me a comment and I will find you, flay the skin off of your face and wear it as a festive hat for my Your a Douchebag Who Hates Grilled Cheese Party.

Monday, November 14, 2005


What am I doing? I have been failing to meet the intended purpose of this blog! It's supposed to be a phantasmagoria of random musings from the life and mind of some arbitrary cynic, but it's pretty much been just the "cynic" part.

College has changed me. I have been getting progressivly more serious. Oh how I pine for the times when the most ridiculous of words would come out of my mouth. Things like "I'm going to be so pissed that my neck veins will shoot out and cut off everyone's faces!". Now it's just a whole lot of nothing.

My life is no longer interesting because my day consists of waking up, going to class, and sitting, staring at a blank screen hoping and wishing someone will call. I haven't even seen Lyse and Amanda is almost a week, which is insane seeing how we all used to be inseparable.

My mind is way to disjointed to come up with something good also. I've been extremely confused recently. It's been like a 4 way argument going on in my head for days. There is way too much noise up there and it's driving me insane. I just want my brain to shut the fuck up so I can go back to being happy.

Right now I got a bad cold so I'm feeling even worse. The store wouldn't even let me buy both Dayquil and Niquil at the same time. "Your just trying to get high!" and I'm like "No, can't you hear the conjestion?!" So I just got Niquil and I cannot wait to just pass out.

Well... peace. I'm out. Hopefully I'll be back with some random musings...

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Why did I have to draw that picture!?

I hate TV. I used to not watch it at all until a show caught my eye. This show was Arrested Development. With ridiculous characters, excellent use of facial expressions and musical cues, intelligent yet subtle humor, and great use of flashbacks, it was probably the best show I've seen and it's been the only one that I've made an effort to watch whenever it's on.

When watching the most recent episode, Micheal proposed to his MRF British girlfriend, Rita, and I instantly took out a piece of paper and drew a picture of a stick man jumping over a shark on skis.

Today I found out that Arrested Development has been cancelled, which was ironic when you think about the picture I drew a few days earlier.

RIP Arrested Development. You will be missed. *tear*

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

I <3 Firefox

I'm blogging in a cool little popup window without me even having to go to the Blogger website! Thank you Mozilla Firefox for having awesome time saving extensions!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Today I ranted one of the best rants in the history of rant-dom.

In Politics, we had a speaker come in from the career center. He gave us this quiz where we had to rank which things we think are the most important things to have in a job. My #1 thing was "To be yourself", but no one else even had that one in their top five, so the guy asked me:
"Why is being yourself so important?"
And I responded with:
"I will not be some starched and pressed, khaki pants, button down shirt, and solid tie cubicle slave conforming to our nightmarish corporate mechanism. I will not take my soul, wrap it in Armani, and run around as a moral-less business zombie. I will not be a fat cat capitalist with my fat cat cigars and fancy limousines, not knowing what it's like to be a true American. Part of the working class."

My teacher then proceded to begin a slow clap that was interupted by a kid who said "Well, someone's a communist!"
Then I stood up, pointed at him and shouted 'Well... At least your not a communist!"
Then I sat down. I put on a good show.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Congrats Charsky!

The professor, Mr. Charsky's (who teaches the class in which this blog was assigned) wife had a baby Thursday, Quinn Margaret Charsky.

It's funny. My father's name is Quinn...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Mini Flow Central. "Thats right bitches!"

I'd like to say congrats to my friend Lyse for the birth of her new blog. don't be afraid you just got your eyes closed

I have come to a moral dilemma. What should or should not be said on the internet? I have checked the number of page views I've been getting, but even if your corner of the web is barely seen, is it still safe to post secrets, personal things, feelings, etc? I have to deal with a lot of complex emotions, but I am afraid to throw them into the vast, never ending sea that is the Web, so I have to stick with just random, funny little anecdotes. While mildly entertaining, they are not the way I would like to develop myself as a charater (This is literature after all). Also for this assignment, I have to post 3+ paragraph blog entries at least 3 times a week. Usually I would only post once a week or once a month to have time to accumulate funny stories for a long post, but now I do not have that luxury. I am contemplating whether or not to throw works of complete fiction into the mix.

Well, My friends Lyse and Shmamanda, whose room (lovingly nicknamed "Flow Central") I spend more time in than my own, built a carboard box fort, and let's just say, it's pretty fucking sweet. It has an observation bubble and everything.

Sadly without it being propped up by chairs it falls flat, and it is currently imploded. Hopefully Mini Flow Central will rise again and usher in a new golden age of peace, prosperity, and cardboard box fort-dom.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Kinda Ridiculous.

Happy Halloween!

This is for the nonexistant masses who want to know what I'm going to be. I'm wearing a very conservative 3 piece business suit, a gas mask (genuine from WWI germany BTW), and a sign that says "OMFG! THE THREAT LEVEL IS ORANGE!". So I'm going as a Political Statement.

Just beacuse it's Halloween, heres a perfect movie to set the mood. Check it out. Rubber Johnny.

So I get a notice that I have a package. I got down to the post office and the woman pulls out this gigantic box. I can't even fit my arms all the way around it! So I go back to my room and open it. My next door neighbor back home, who is about 95 and someone I hardly know, sent me a 25 pound bucket of popcorn! Thats freakin ridiculous. So I've just been walking around with a gigantic bucket of popcorn giving it out to people. Not. Sketchy. At. All.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Congrats Danielle!

My good friend Danielle just launched her new site, Bubblegum Junkie. It's awesome. Check it out.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Why, hello. Welcome to Funk Sheet Beach.

This blog is basically going to be a phantasmagoria of random musings and occurences in the life of a nonfictional character narrated in the first person. Since its a blog about myself, I guess it would be a good idea to begin with a little bit of information about this kid you will be a reading about. My name is Wright. I'm 18 years old and if you are one who is concerned with social labels, I can be catagorized as "Indie". My favorite bands are Modest Mouse, The Mars Volta, Porcupine Tree, Sigur Ros, and The White Stripes. I believe that the future of music is minimalism, dissonance, and pure chaos, so thats what I listen to. I look like a taller, skinnier Harry Potter with peircings whose choice in fashion centers around loose jeans, ridiculous, esoteric t-shirts, thrift store blazers, and the occasional paisley tie. I have no religious affiliation. I believe we are just biological masses of cells, proteins, and atoms and when we die our bodies decompose and become one with nature. No matter how good or bad you are, everyone in the end makes the world more beautiful. Its rather cynical, but its very poetic in a way. Ok. Now back to the more tangeble stuff. I go to Ithaca College. I currently have no major, but I'm trying to study film. I partake in every type of art out there, but my artistic specialty is in Flash cartoons and drawing comics. I'm most famous for my comic series "Shank and Shiv" which has been read by um... lets see now... about 6 people. My dream is to make cartoons for Adult Swim. I am an unmedicated diagnosed schizophrenic, so I'm just insane enough to make that dream come true. I love how I just practically blew past that fact. Its the lack of sanity that makes the blog interesting.

Right now even I'm wondering WTF is with the name of this blog. I awoke one day to find a post it note on my head with the words "Funk Sheet Beach" in sharpie. A scenario that seems very familiar to the movie "The Machinist". Strangely it was written in my handwriting, but I never wrote it (*dramatic music* dun dun dun...). It's three words that are all dangerously close to profanity, but I believe that there is some deeper meaning. Wait... no there isn't. It's three words that are all dangerously close to profanity. So when making my blog, I turned my head and there was that post it note again, so I thought "Why the hell not".

I have to be honest. I have to do this blog for a class I'm in. We had the choice of making a blog, a website, or an avatar using Second Life or There. The point is we have to make an online presence and see how it develops over an 8 week period. I picked the blog because I'm way too lazy to make a site and way too poor to pay for There or Second Life. Even though its a "fun" assignment, its still an assignment so it has the miasma of "Crap, I have to write in this damn blog for class" hanging over it. But that's just part of my uber-cynical nature. I won't do anything unless I have to, but will not enjoy it because it's something I have to do. Silly, huh.

I apologize if this first post isn't that incredibly interesting. It's mostly just expository information to get the reader to know the main character of this story. Hopefully this will feature much more character development as the chapters progress.

Welp... see ya later.